Locked inside my head you leave me thinking too much. I feel like screaming don't leave me locked in here alone. I thought you might understand living behind the gray zone. Like breathing in slow motion while your mind goes too speed

My mind won't stop going. Faster and faster the thoughts flow.
How do people do this alone? How do people live in this lonesome isolation full of racing feelings and uncontrolled emotions? I feel trapped in my head, in this body, in this void.  I feel swallowed whole by darkness and fear of the unknown.  Why would I let anyone in here? But how can I not? I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be hurt again.  Are they all like he was? Will there ever be anyone who doesn't stomp all over my heart?

The older I get, the more accepting I am of myself.  As weird as that sounds, it's my reality.  I've spent the majority of my life not liking myself, and the few times I have started to like myself, someone showed me that I shouldn't, so I stopped. 


Well here I am 34 1/2 years old and trying to learn to love myself. 


Physically imperfect
Mentally exhausted most of the time
Emotionally....there is not a word to describe it.......maybe diverse?


I think randomly....I think too much....I think without ceasing.


I'm figuring out all the parts of me that are ME without an outside force making it me. 


My randomness, my mind, my soul, my huge heart that I wear right on my sleeve, my complete brutal openness, my unfiltered mouth.....these things make me ME.

Am I the only person in the whole world who feels this overwhelmed by being alive? Am I the only one that thinks about grabbing my kids, my pets, loading the car and just moving away and starting over?  The sheer amount of STUFF in our house and on our to-do list makes me physically ill.  How can the boys, or I thrive like that? When will it get easier? When will I breathe again? I pray every day and every night for the ability to move through the water.  I feel like I'm under an ocean of water, screaming and no one can even hear me.

The End.....And a New Beginning.

Eight and a half years ago I met Christopher and fell in love with him, July 2006. I'm not going to detail out our love story. We moved in together in June 2007. Married in January 2008. The first time I found him cheating on me I  was 8 months pregnant in August 2007. Through the years we spent half the time separated, everytime I would catch him cheating again with all kinds of girls and then we'd fight like crazy people and split up.  Time would pass and the good would start coming into the forefront of my memories and the bad would fade back and we'd end up back together again. But now, after everything that has happened, seven years seems as far away as an entirely different lifetime. Earlier this year we had split up yet again when I found him cheating again despite going to marriage counseling and I filed for divorce.  Somehow we ended up together again, BUT this time was different. This time while we were separated I must have stopped being in love with him. I knew almost immediately when we tried to work it out again for the kids sake that it was gone.  His lies and lack of support in the relationship weren't hidden behind my rose (love) colored glasses any longer. I just got more and more angry. I realized day in and day out how much he must not love me to have done all the things he had done for 7 long years. And now here he was expecting NOTHING to happen after that. I tried so hard over the last five months to mend those broken bonds, to let the Lord heal and join us back together. I let my filing for divorce expire in October, I read books, blogs, the bible, asked fellow Christians, everyone how to restore the marriage that I thought that I once had, and hoped against hope that our family could eventually live happily ever after. No matter how much prayer and thought I put into it, it boiled down to the decision to get divorced. This understanding is very painful, but increasingly freeing. I didn’t choose the situation where I have found myself – he chose it for me. I didn’t have a say in his betrayal, but I can make the decision to allow myself to heal and walk away, to make a life for myself and my kids free from the hurt I feel from all the years, no matter how many times I forgive, it does not erase the fact that it happened. Is it possible to feel heartbroken but amazingly at peace at the same time?   I am closing the book on this part of my life, my journey through this marriage. As scary and unpredictable as the future is for me, I know that the Lord is strongly holding my little fruitloopfamily in the palm of His hand… and that is all the reassurance that I need.